Cracks in the Facade
I am the first to admit I can come off as a Pollyanna. Especially with my consistently blithe outlook on life in LA and a Hollywood career. I've had my share of off days but I've never really lost hope. Brazen and sure of my talent I marched into the Tinseltown battle. Lately though, things seem to have hit a turning point in several ways.
Last week while home, I visited a friend whose been battling various cancers for nearly a decade. There's no one taking care of him. That's not sitting well with me. As I contemplate the possibility of moving home to care for him, I'm forced to assess what I'd be giving up. The answer was a sad "not much."
This summer I will hit my five-year mark. I have created a great network of people and have done some great writing. I have work ready to sell. Heck, I've even produced a feature... which needs distribution.
For the most part though, I still mostly grocery shop at the 99cent store and am barely able to claw out an existence here. I'm getting tired. In the grand scheme, no one who could really pay me for the work I've done, or hire me to do more of it, knows about me. I am at a loss as to how to change that.
And five years already. When does non-success become pathetic? Ten years? Twenty? Or was it at three?
I can finally turn around and look at myself as I was when I moved here so full of audacious hope. I see what they saw - those cynical veterans of the Hollywood trenches. I know why they laughed.
I feel like I've fought the good fight to reach this point. What happens next will determine if it becomes a might-have-been story or a snatched-from-the-jaws-of-defeat story. Either an angel connector will reach out a helping hand or there will be a sign from the Universe to pack it in and go home. Tonight, all I really know is I'm tired of fighting.
Last week while home, I visited a friend whose been battling various cancers for nearly a decade. There's no one taking care of him. That's not sitting well with me. As I contemplate the possibility of moving home to care for him, I'm forced to assess what I'd be giving up. The answer was a sad "not much."
This summer I will hit my five-year mark. I have created a great network of people and have done some great writing. I have work ready to sell. Heck, I've even produced a feature... which needs distribution.
For the most part though, I still mostly grocery shop at the 99cent store and am barely able to claw out an existence here. I'm getting tired. In the grand scheme, no one who could really pay me for the work I've done, or hire me to do more of it, knows about me. I am at a loss as to how to change that.
And five years already. When does non-success become pathetic? Ten years? Twenty? Or was it at three?
I can finally turn around and look at myself as I was when I moved here so full of audacious hope. I see what they saw - those cynical veterans of the Hollywood trenches. I know why they laughed.
I feel like I've fought the good fight to reach this point. What happens next will determine if it becomes a might-have-been story or a snatched-from-the-jaws-of-defeat story. Either an angel connector will reach out a helping hand or there will be a sign from the Universe to pack it in and go home. Tonight, all I really know is I'm tired of fighting.
posted by Heidi at 8:11 PM
2 Comments:
I hear you. I don't know when the point comes, but I realized last night that i can stop beating myself up for my lack of career. I realized i was just temporarily blown off course. It will right itself soon.
I hope the same for you - be it here or in Boulder.
It's okay to get tired of fighting sometimes. Living a creative life and following your dreams is challenging, and it takes guts to do it. At a talk at UCLA a few years ago, a screenwriter said that the key ingredient for success here is persistence. Not talent. Although you do have the talent, too. Hang in there, and keep fighting.
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