Saturday, June 07, 2008

The Complete Woman

Artists since Virginia Woolf have mourned the impossibility of being both an artist and a wife. I’ve always been a firm believer in having it all. But it seems maybe Virginia was onto something.

As our film moves into the festival circuit and another moves into pre-production my days are slammed from the minute I wake at five A.M. until I crash and burn at ten P.M. This week my boyfriend lamented being the last priority on my list. And he’s right. Not because of any lack of wanting to be with him but because the business of my life demands so much attention. I confess: most nights I drag my ass into bed and would rather just drop off to sleep than have a meaningful conversation with him. Or even a basic check-in. This business takes its toll on home life.

I can’t pretend it’s accidental. When I have to make a wish on a cake candle or a penny in a fountain the first two thoughts in my head are: 1) movie success and 2) marry a man who loves me. But it’s a wish, you know. Just one. And since I moved here, despite the fact that I’ve wanted to find a loving partner since I can remember, I always wish for movie success. I figured the love part would handle itself. I need to work at the work part, right? At a certain point it dawned on me that as much as I hate to admit it, I do put career before love.

My friend is pregnant and thrilled. And soon to be staying home. Since we were single girls together we talked about finding life partners. She has always wanted to be a mom and will be an amazing one I know. And she looks at my life and wonders about her own professional course. She’s a mom in the making and that will always be a priority now.

It’s like she has the home life we both wanted and I have the career (at least the seed of it). Between us we are a complete modern woman. I still want to believe it is possible to have both. But I look at the time commitments she and I manage and wonder how it would be possible for one person to do all of both. Finding a balance may be possible but Virginia’s point sinks in ever deeper.

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